ONE PIECE UNITS: The Owner's Guide and Manual
by Haruka-Oneechan
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own One Piece character units! This guide is highly needed if you want to unlock the fullest potential of your smexy or sexy unit! Please take note that we are not responsible for any physical or mental harm that may happen to you. Enjoy!
1. RORONOA ZORO unit

**A/N: Hi! This is my first time writing a One-Piece fic. I was recently dragged into the One Piece bandwagon and I was instantly hooked! This fic is inspired by the conversation I had with my sister. We were discussing how cool it was if our favorite characters were units that we can buy so this was born!**

**Warnings: There's implication of _things _****and mentions of shounen-ai or boyxboy. So if you don't like it, please stay away now. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece! All of them belongs to Oda-sensei.**

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**RORONOA ZORO Owner's Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You are now the proud and lucky owner of a RORONOA ZORO unit! This unit comes with an owner's guide and manual as this is your only example of unlocking the full potential of your smexy swordsman.

**Technical Specifications:**

**Name: **Roronoa Zoro (he will also respond to 'Roronoa', 'Zoro', 'Aniki', 'Zoro-kun', 'Swordsman-san' and 'Marimo', though it is _**highly **_recommended that you do not call him with that last one. If you still want to, tell us in advance so we can send you flowers at your funeral)

**Age: **19 years old (The manufactures are still working on the two year later version)

**Place of manufacture: **The Blue Sea, East Blue division

**Height: **178 cm of pure hotness

**Weight: **Unknown

**Length: **We will let your thoughts decide that

**Personality: **Grouchy, Stern, Serious

**Specialty: **A user of Santoryu. Plain green hair smexiness.

**Your RORONOA ZORO unit comes with the following accessories:**

A black bandana

Three identical gold earrings

A wardrobe full of plain white shirts, black trousers, black boots, green haramakis, a varied collection of colorful shirts and for a limited time only, formal black and white tuxedos with matching cufflinks for any special occasion.

Three swords which includes _Wado Ichimonji, Sandai Kitetsu _and _Shuusui. _

An extra sword which is _Yubashiri_

A barrel of sake

A tranquilizer gun and darts

**How to Remove:**

You may have some difficulty in removing your unit from the box as the unit has a large ego. He would probably bite you if you try to remove the chains for him (be **very** careful. He doesn't use Santoryu style for nothing) If that happens, you can either 1) watch him struggle furiously like an animal for a few minutes or 2) you could use the barrel of sake as a bargaining chip. Once you remove him from the box, he will glare at you and gruffly greet you.

**Programming:**

After removing your unit from the box, you can use the tranquilizer gun to sedate him in order to program him as he is not the most cooperative unit in our line. You would be amazed as the unit comes with a variety of amazing features.

**Swordsman: **This is his default feature. Do not be surprise if you come home to find your house in shambles or your neighbors calling 9-1-1 because there is a sword slashing demon destroying their prized petunias. Take note that you should not leave your unit alone for a long time without some sort of distraction that would keep him preoccupied.

**Big brother: **Although he is serious, stern and can be a total jackass sometimes, he can be a relatively normal and nice big brother. Once he warms up to you, he will protect you at all costs. Plus, he can be your teddy bear to scare away nightmares in the middle of the night. Just make sure you don't irritate him.

**Bodyguard: **With his bandana tied around his head and his three swords tucked safely in his haramaki, he is an amazing bodyguard. Fret not as your unit will slice and dice the living daylights out of any stalkers, ex-boyfriends or peeping toms that may be unlucky enough to cross paths with you.

**Best friend: **Your unit can also become your awesome best friend, providing you bribe him with plenty of alcohol, preferably rum or sake. Just don't irritate him.

**Boyfriend: **Yes to you fangirls out there, he can also become your boyfriend. Since he is one of the hottest males in the One Piece Manufacturing, he would be an awesome boyfriend. Not only can your boyfriend intimidate other boyfriends with his smexy looks, you could also show him off in front of other girls too. They would be green (not the green color of your unit's hair, a darker shade) with envy.

**Personal coach: **Need some muscles? Want a healthier life? Then this unit is the best personal coach out there! Very strict exercise regimes and lifting weights that are probably heavier than your house, you will have bulky muscles and a six pack in no time! (Providing that you do not die first.)

(This can also be taken in a completely _different _way. We are raising our eyebrows suggestively)

**Training partner: **Want someone to practice awesome karate skills or whatever that you learned from YouTube? Your unit would be an excellent test dummy – we mean training partner. Do take note that your unit does not know how to hold back so expect the doctors at the emergency room to know you.

**Your RORONOA ZORO unit comes with the following modes:**

Stern, serious and grouchy mode (default)

Pissed-off mode (easily mistaken to be the default)

Prepare-to-die-by-my-swords mode 

Smexy seme mode (locked)

School-girl-uke mode (locked)

Out Of Character mode (locked)

The stern, serious and grouchy mode is the default because, that is just how he is.

The Pissed-off mode can easily be mistaken to be the default because just like the mode above, that is just how he is. Also, this mode may be triggered if a SANJI unit is within a twenty meter radius, a LUFFY unit is continuously whining about meat or you just annoyed him enough.

The Prepare-to-die-by-my-swords mode is the upper level of the Pissed-off mode. This is triggered when someone is threatening you or a SANJI unit is within a ten meter radius and insulted the unit. Expect destruction within a ten mile radius and complaints from neighbors.

The Smexy seme mode is only unlocked when either the SANJI, LUFFY or maybe the NAMI unit is in the opposite mode. For the yaoi fangirls, you are advised to bring cameras or camcorders.

As for the School-girl-uke mode, it is only unlocked when either the SANJI, LUFFY and ROBIN unit is in the opposite mode. Prepare for an overload of uke-ness and nosebleeds.

Out Of Character mode is triggered when the LUFFY unit is in the same mode or when the unit is attacked by viruses. You _will_ be horrified by his LUFFY unit like smile and proper _manners._ (Yes, he does have manners. He just purposely ignores them)

**Caring For the Unit: **

**Feeding: **The unit eats practically anything edible but prefers white rice, sea king meat and anything that goes with ale. Oh and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

**Cleaning: **He is partially a slob but will clean up when you order him too (just think like the NAMI unit). He would not admit it but he secretly likes someone washing his hair or scrubbing his back.

**Resting: **He would need about eight to ten hours of sleep at night. In the day time, he would probably take naps ranging between two to six hours. NEVER, EVER for the sake of living long enough for you to see your grandchildren, disturb him from his sleep. If you do, the doctor would find it odd and horrifying that a sword had impaled you near your crown jewels.

**If your unit is attacked by viruses: **When viruses attack, it will trigger the unit's Out-of-Character mode. If it does not trigger it, the unit will suffer from something similar to a cold. If that happens, hurry and call us at 1-800-Eiichiro Oda and we will send you the anti-virus software. Take note that this unit is a _terribly _difficult patient to handle.

**His Relationship with Other Units:**

**MONKEY D. LUFFY: **Your unit is this unit's loyal and trustworthy first-mate. If you have any problems with your unit, place a LUFFY unit in front of him, let the unit deploy his cute charm and your unit will begrudgingly follow your orders. Do not forget to feed the LUFFY unit afterwards. (It is highly advisable that you already have spare food locked somewhere safe)

**SANJI: **This unit is the official antagonist of your unit. Expect yourself to learn lots of new, highly colorful swear words and destruction in a grand scale when these two are around. Also, do not be alarmed when you find the closet of kitchen locked in the middle of the night. It is also unsurprising if you hear…_noises_ coming from inside. Shrug it off if and think nothing of it (or you could just say, "Meh, they're doing the meow meow in there. Big deal.") if you value your life.

**THE STRAWHAT CREW SET: **This play set is like your unit's happy, dysfunctional family. He is thought of as the father of the family.

**FAQ's: **

**Q: **Instead of smexy green hair, I got a unit with smexy RED hair.

**A: **We are extremely sorry. The red haired RORONOA ZORO unit is actually an error in production because one of our manufactures had mistaken 'marimo colored hair' with 'tomato colored hair'. If you'd want the original, we will exchange the unit as soon as possible.

**Q: **Instead of a muscular and tall green-haired teen, I got a kid one! What happened?

**A: **You got a chibi marimo! That unit is from our chibi line. If you want the original, we will be happy to exchange the unit.

**Q: **Instead of swords, I got a unit with swords _and _a pair of magnum revolvers. Is this for real?

**A: **Congratulations! You are one of the few lucky buyers to receive the limited edition, STRONG WORLD set! This set comes with the guns and a formal suit.

**TROUBLESHOOTING:**

**Problem: **My unit is suddenly being NICE with a SANJI unit! What's wrong?

**Answer: **Uh-oh. Something must be wrong with his head. Did he receive a kick from the SANJI unit? If so, whacked his head hard, run like hell was chasing you and blame the SANJI unit.

**Problem: **Why does my unit still get lost even when I point at the right direction?

**Answer: **Uh…There's nothing wrong with the unit if he acts that way. It is actually normal. Even our manufactures are stumped by his lack of orientation and _they _are the ones who created him. Do not be surprised if he got lost in a paper bag or something.

**Problem: **Why is my unit cuddling me? It's not that I have any complaints but still!

**Answer: **Your unit is probably in Out-of-Character mode. Just enjoy every minute of cuddling with the fuzzy teddy bear while it last.

**Problem: **My unit suddenly told me that I was _his_ before he placed hickeys on me!

**Answer: **Congratulations! Invite us to your wedding alright?

That is your complete guide to the RORONOA ZORO unit. We hope that you will enjoy your unit and please keep your unit satisfy. Keep reading this manual and you will ensure that you would not die a horrible and painful death by swords but to be on the safe side, prepare a will ahead of time!

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**So, how do you like it? I am planning on making guides for other units if I have the time and inspiration. I hope that the characters weren't too OOC. As for the guns, I just thought that maybe Zoro would look cool with guns and the Strong World movie popped up in my mind. Reviews and constructive criticism is highly accepted. Have a nice day!**


	2. MONKEY D LUFFY unit

**A/N: Wow! I didn't expect anyone to review this fic because I thought people would not be interested in these kinds of stuff. I'm extremely happy to those that reviewed the first chapter. This is the second chapter and I hope that all of you will enjoy it!**

**Warnings: Mentions of stuffs and shounen-ai which is boyxboy. If you are not into these kinds of stuff I suggest you turn away now.**

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**MONKEY D. LUFFY Owner's Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You are now the proud and lucky (except when it comes to food) owner of a MONKEY D. LUFFY unit! This unit comes with an owner's guide and manual because you **will **need it to unlock the full potential (and how to deal with him) of this rubbery and enthusiastic captain!

**Technical Specifications:**

**Name: **Monkey D. Luffy (he will also respond to 'Luffy-chan', 'Captain', 'Strawhat' and most definitely 'Meat')

**Age: **17 years old (Our manufactures are still working on the two year later version)

**Place of manufacture: **The Blue Sea, East Blue division, Foosha Village branch

**Height: **172 cm but remember, he is rubber so his height may be taller than your house?

**Weight: **Unknown

**Length: **He is **rubber**. Enough said.

**Personality: **Fearlessness, Lacking in Knowledge, Easily amazed

**Specialty: **A devil's fruit user (Gomu Gomu No Mi)

**Your MONKEY D. LUFFY unit comes with the following accessories:**

One straw hat (NEVER, EVER forcibly take the hat away. That just spells trouble with a capital T)

A closet full of sleeveless red vests, short trousers, sandals and a variety of colorful shirts _and _one-piece dresses for a fangirl's dream come true.

The Davy Back Fight attire which includes an afro, a pair of dark red shorts, red bandages for his feet and a stickable blue flaming skull and crossbones to stick on his well built chest.

A set of stickable scars to stick on your unit if you want to make him look more intimidating

A pair of SHANKS and PORTGAS D. ACE's unit attires for those who wants to cosplay him.

If you call now or reserved a set two weeks ahead of time, we will throw in a special limited edition jet black cape for your unit to wear. The cape also comes with self-fluttering-dramatically action to make your unit look more badass.

Unfortunately, our stock for emergency meat is temporarily out. If you wish to still receive this, call us and we will give you a rain check.

**How to Remove:**

Removing the unit is relatively easy. All you have to do is watch him struggle for a bit, put some food (preferably meat) in front of him and the chains that hold him would snap like twigs. He will devour the food in a few seconds before grinning at you and giving you a bear hug which would probably kill a bear as a greeting.

**Programming:**

To program him is also quite simple. Again, place food in front of him and just program him while he is devouring the food. You would be surprised at all the amazing features that the unit has.

**Captain: **This is your unit's default feature. Even though he is not really good at anything in general, he makes a great captain for rubber ducks, inanimate objects and people who lacked common sense. The RORONOA ZORO unit, for example. (Warning, do not let him be the captain of rubber ducks **alone **because your unit would probably drown in the bathtub)

**Big brother: **Though you would probably still be much more mature and intelligent even if you're younger than him that does not stop your unit from trying to become a good big brother. Do not be angry if he suddenly gives you a death hug. Also, he will make anyone who makes his precious younger sibling cry pay **very** dearly.

**Bodyguard: **In terms of strength, you have nothing to worry about. If somehow you managed to become a wanted target by snipers (seriously, if that happens you must be as crazy as your unit), do not be alarm as your unit's body can deflect any bullet whizzing your way. Just make sure your unit _is _there to protect you as he can be distracted by anything that moves.

**Best friend: **Your unit would make an awesome best friend that the both of you could goof off and do something generally stupid. Though, just don't let him raid your fridge if you still want something to eat for the next week or so.

**Boyfriend: **He does in fact make a pretty good boyfriend. If your unit can't intimidate other boyfriends with looks, you can make him intimidate them by showing him stretching _certain _parts of his body. No doubt they would be intimidate and insanely jealous at your unit. Girls would also wish that they had someone like your unit as their boyfriend. (You can have our word for it. This has been proven by our manufacturers. They almost regretted giving him the rubber abilities) When out on dates, avoid restaurants at **ALL COSTS**. If not, you will spend the night washing dishes.

**Pig-out Partner: **Need a partner to eat with you in all those food eating contest and couldn't find someone who could chow fast enough? Then the unit is your perfect choice! You and your unit will blaze through the other competitors and your unit may demand more food afterwards. Take note that your unit **will **eat more than you so a damaged pride may occur.

**Punching Bag: **Imagine yourself suddenly angered for some reason (maybe NAMI or ZORO unit is badmouthing you) and you want something you could hit the heck out without causing any real harm. The LUFFY unit would make a great punching bag! Just tie his arms and legs to the ceiling and start venting out that anger.

**Your MONKEY D. LUFFY unit comes with the following modes:**

Cheerful, eccentric and adventurous mode (default)

Hunger mode (default and constantly on)

Hell-did-you-do mode (locked)

Get-ready-for-serious-ass-kicking mode (locked)

Heck-I'm-the-seme-Captain's-order mode (locked)

Blushing-willing-uke mode (locked)

Out of Character mode (locked)

The Cheerful, eccentric and adventurous mode is his default mode because that is just how he is. Don't be surprised if you found him exploring your room.

Hunger mode is also his default mode and unfortunately (for you anyway. We already sold it to you. He's your problem now) it does not have an off switch. Beware as a hungry LUFFY unit is whiny LUFFY unit.

The Hell-did-you-do mode is unlocked when someone insults you, the SHANKS, PORTGAS D. ACE and THE STRAWHAT CREWS unit or someone (pray that it is not you who was stupid enough) that took the last piece of food. (Run, run while you still can)

The Get-ready-for-serious-ass-kicking mode is triggered when someone is endangering you or the people that he cares. It can also be triggered when someone just signed his or her own death warrant by taking the last piece of **meat.** (Biggest. Idiot. EVER.)

Heck-I'm-the-seme-Captain's-order mode is triggered when either the NAMI, ZORO or PORTGAS D. ACE unit is in the opposite mode. He would seduce them by using that 'Captain's order' tone. For those who already have the NAMI unit, she would probably have taught you the potential black mailing material available (except when it is about her)

As for the Blushing-willing-uke mode, it is triggered when the ZORO, PORTGAS D. ACE or SHANKS unit is in the opposite mode. Be prepared for death by loss of blood or maybe uke overload.

Out of Character mode is unlocked when the ZORO, SANJI and SHANKS unit is in the opposite mode. It will also be triggered when the unit has been derived from food for a day.

**Caring for the unit:**

**Eating: **Do we need to say it? He will inhale ANYTHING edible but he would prefer (and demand) meat, meat and oh wait, it's on the tip our tongue…meat. Did we say meat? I think we said meat. Do not give him alcohol though as this unit was not equipped with an insane alcohol tolerance like the ZORO and NAMI unit.

**Cleaning: **The unit is pretty good (at least a bit better than the ZORO unit) at caring for himself but you will be the one who has to give a bath as he is a Devil-fruit user. Don't worry though; he does not make a fuss when he is swimming in water and unconsciousness so bathing him would be particularly easy.

**Resting: **This unit will need at least eight to ten hours of sleep. He does not really take naps as he is always busy searching for an adventure in day time, unlike a certain green-haired unit.

**If your unit is attacked by viruses: **If your unit is attacked by viruses, like the other units he will suffer to something similar to a cold. He will be extremely whiny and clingy so call us quickly at-1-800-Eiichiro Oda and we will send you the anti-virus software.

**His Relationship with the Other Units:**

**PORTGAS D. ACE: **This unit is the LUFFY's unit older brother, not from the same division but they act like brothers. Do not badmouth about this unit or else you will get a one way ticket to hell (saves you the trouble actually. You die on the way there) Leave them alone long enough and you will get worthy fangirl pictures that can be sold at high prices.

**SHANKS: **This unit is like your unit's father figure. Losing an arm in order to save the unit prior to sales, the LUFFY unit extremely looks up to him and respects him. If you value your crown jewels, do not insult the SHANKS unit. A quick reminder, never let the SHANKS unit alone with the LUFFY unit after a party. Who knows what yaoi-fangirls dream would come true.

**RORONOA ZORO: **This unit is your unit's loyal first mate. He will follow whatever you unit orders and will get rewards by him afterwards. When we said that he is loyal to you unit, we really mean it. (Warning, stay away from the spare bedroom at nights if you do not want to be mentally scarred for life) If you want some violence, put LUFFY unit in Blushing-willing-uke mode and put the ZORO unit and SANJI unit in the opposite mode. Take a comfortable folding chair, some popcorn and enjoy the show.

**THE STRAWHAT CREW SET: **This play set is like your unit's happy, dysfunctional family. He is thought of as the second youngest sibling in the family. He is also thought of as the biggest troublemaker that you would probably expect the neighbors to complain about.

**FAQ's:**

**Q: **Instead of a LUFFY unit, I got an older , smexier looking version of LUFFY unit that has a tattoo and is wearing a different hat!

**A: **Congratulations! You have received the PORTGAS D. ACE unit. If you still want to exchange, call us and we will be happy to make the exhange.

**Q: **Instead of a tall, black haired teen, I got a mini vision of him! What happened?

**A: **Congratulations! That is the kid's version of the LUFFY unit! He is from our kids' line. If you still want to make exchange, call us now.

**Q: **Why did I get a unit wearing a BRIDE'S DRESS? COMPLETE WITH LACE AND WHAT NOT?

**A: **Congratulations! (We've been doing that a lot lately) You have received the LUFFY unit from our wedding's line! Do you really want to exchange him?

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **My unit ACTUALLY offered me his FOOD! What's wrong?

**Answer: **Hmm…Either the unit is in Out of Character mode or he has been attacked by a virus.

**Problem: **My unit just _jumped _at me!

**Answer: **Where will the wedding be held?

**Problem: **Help! My unit is suddenly torturing me!

**Answer: **Tell us what kinds of flowers that you like and we will send them at your funeral.

**Problem: **I can't breathe because the unit is hugging me to death!

**Answer: **You had it coming at you when you first bought the unit, you know. Just pray that he will be distracted at some point and release you.

That is your complete guide to the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit. We hope that you will enjoy your unit and make sure that you keep you unit satisfied. Unfortunately, this guide does not tell you on how to cover for the food expenses so we wish you the best of luck because gods know you **will **need it.

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What do you think so far? Is the character, well in character? I won't upload regularly because school is coming up and I have important exams this year. Reviews and constructive criticism is most welcome. Please enjoy!


	3. SANJI unit

**A/N: Hi again! I am extremely overjoyed for those who have reviewed, favorited and story alerted this fic! It makes me happy to see people like this fic. Well, this is the third chapter so I hope all of you will enjoy it!**

**Warnings: Mentions of stuff and hints of shounen-ai or boyxboy. If you are not into these kinds of stuff I suggest you look away now.**

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**SANJI Owner's Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You are now the proud and super lucky (if you're a girl anyway but if you were a guy, why did you buy him?) owner of a SANJI unit! This unit comes with an owner's guide and manual as this is your only example of unlocking the full potential of your smexy cook!

**Technical Specifications:**

**Name: **Sanji (he will also respond to 'Black-leg', 'Sanji-kun', 'Cook-san', 'Handsome' or for just the fun of it, 'that hot blonde with the swirly eyebrow yelling Mellorine~!' He will also respond to 'Dartbrow' but it is **highly** recommended that you avoid that name at any costs. Otherwise, you will know what flavor the dirt is like twenty metres below ground)

**Age: **19 years old (The manufactures are still working on the two year later version)

**Place of manufacture: **The Blue Sea, North Blue division

**Height: **177 cm of pure smexiness

**Weight: **Unknown

**Length: **Explore it yourself or ask the ZORO unit

**Personality: **Amorous, Flirty, Flamboyant (Take note that all of these only happens when a woman is nearby)

**Specialty: **A user of Black Leg style. Awesome swirly eyebrowness

**Your SANJI unit comes with the following accessories:**

Stickable swirly eyebrows (We like to mess with our units)

A wardrobe full of black, double-breasted suits with an assortment of ties and long sleeved buttoned shirts, with or without pinstripes. Also, some black dress shoes to complete that I'm-a-smexy-cook look.

A typical okama dress complete with a fake wig and some makeup. (Again, we like to mess with our units)

A 'Kiss the Cook' apron

Some cooking utensils such as a spatula, frying pans and the ladle of doom (You will see our point when it comes flying purposely in your direction at who-knows miles an hour)

A few boxes of cigarettes and a lighter. (For those who have respiratory problems, this unit is not for you and no, we do not provide health insurance so stop bothering us or we will call security)

A drawn wanted poster of himself.

If you reserved a SANJI unit a month ahead and already finish paying the payment, we will throw in a limited edition Floating Hearts set! This set when placed on the unit will appear whenever the unit is expressing his love for you. You will see floating hearts and sparkles everywhere when he noodles around, adding to that comical romantic flare.

**How to Remove:**

He is one of our most cooperative units in our line so removing him from his box will be super easy! All you have to do is gently take off the chains and he will stride towards you, do that bishie hairflip, magically make a rose appear out of nowhere and greets you with cheesy pick up lines such as when he puts his hands on your shoulder blades, he will say, "Oh, those are shoulder blades. I thought they were wings" or "Did it hurt when you fell out of Heaven?"

**Programming:**

Again, he is one of the most cooperative units in our line so programming him is a cinch! The simplest way is to ask him and he will comply in a heartbeat. You will find it amazing that the unit comes with all sorts of awesome features!

**Cook: **This is the unit's default feature. This unit is the best cook you would probably ever find in your pathetic lifetime (if you were not pathetic, then why did you bought this unit?) He can make anything from healthy salads to sweet dessert (and it is not limited to _that_ kind of sweet dessert, if you catch our meaning) He can make youbreakfast, brunch, lunch, snacks, dinner and he can even satisfy your late night hunger pangs (Again, catch our drift) A quick warning, **NEVER EVER** waste the food he cooks for you or else he will completely julienne you.

**Big Brother: **He can be an awesome big brother! People may make fun of his not-so-feminine-but-still-girly looks but don't worry! You don't have to hear people insulting you as well because their jaws will be broken by an accidental kick by your big brother. ("Oh I'm sorry; your face was in the way from me killing that fly.")Best of all, how many big brothers out there that can cook? That. Can. Cook.

**Boyfriend: **We know that this is the feature that most fangirls will die for. YES, he can also be your (drumroll please) boyfriend. Of course he will intimidate other boyfriends by his smexy looks and how many boyfriends out there have curly eyebrows as their most attractive feature? None _and _his silky smooth hands can travel to places not so subtle. (A quick note, we won't guarantee that he will not try to flirt with any other girls that pass his way)

**Bodyguard: **With his ever present black dress shoes (for the last time, they are **not** ballerina shoes so please stop calling us) he will kick the hell out of any pervert, stalkers or secret admirers that tries (and fails miserably) to woo you. Well, let your unit have a 'nice talk' with all of them and they will guarantee to leave you alone (or in other words, destroy their self esteem, love life and in the end, their will to live)

**Romantic Advisor: **Are you in desperate need to mate with someone? Or is your love life so miserable that even Cupid thinks that you are a lost cause? Fear no more as your unit can help solve all your romantic problems. Need advice? He can give you the best advice that you would probably ever get. (Warning, his pick up lines are **SUPER **cheesy and you would probably get laugh at if you try to use them but desperation over embarrassment right?)

**English to Poneglyph Translator: **Have you ever read English stories and thought what does it sounds like in another language? Poneglyph perhaps? Then your problem is solved! Your unit can be a great English to Poneglyph Translator! Just show your unit the drawn wanted poster of himself and watch him translate all those words into Poneglyphs! **(**There is no real purpose behind this feature, considering only a handful of our units can actually _read _poneglyphs, but we just like to mentally scar our units. Not much entertainment around here)

**Your SANJI unit comes with the following modes:**

Amourous, flirty and flamboyant mode (default)

Best-cook-in-the-world mode (default)

Get-the-hell-out-of-my-kitchen mode (not constantly locked)

See-that-REALLY-sharp-knife-over-there mode (locked)

Seme-cook mode (locked)

Swirly-uke mode (locked)

Out of Character mode (locked)

The Amourous, flirty and flamboyant mode is the unit's default mode because every girl that he had ever flirted with (before and after you bought it) agrees that is just how he is.

The Best-cook-in-the-world mode is the unit's other default mode. You WILL agree with him once you try his food (Another bonus is you can get to see him wearing the 'Kiss the Cook' apron when he cooks)

Get-the-hell-out-of-my-kitchen mode is triggered when someone (most probably the LUFFY unit) tries to raid the fridge, the ZORO unit is within a twenty metre radius or someone pissed him off enough for him to unleash his kicks from hell.

See-that-REALLY-sharp-knife-over-there mode is the upper level of the Get-the-hell-out-of-my-kitchen mode. You see, this unit will never ever consider on using kitchen knives as weapons as he considered them as a sacred tool. BUT, if someone either hurts you, insults his cooking, crazy enough to actually **harm **a lady or the ZORO unit is nearby (though, it will probably be boot-to-swords action rather than death by knives) it will be triggered. So, expect your best kitchen knives to be thrown at some moron who did the things listed above with deadly accuracy and even deadlier force. (As a condolence, after his fury died down, he will replace your kitchen knives so nothing to worry about!)

The Seme-cook mode is unlocked whenever the ZORO, NAMI or ROBIN unit is in the opposite mode (The kitchen is a forbidden territory to wander during night time. Just ignore your hunger because you would probably lose it anyway)

Swirly-uke mode is unlocked when either the ZORO, USOPP or ROBIN unit is in the opposite mode. (We don't know what to name this mode so we named it this in honor of his swirly eyebrows)

Out of Character mode is triggered when the ZORO, LUFFY or ZEFF unit is in the opposite mode or the unit is attacked by viruses. It's quite easy to know when the unit is in this mode. (He doesn't flirt. Nuff' said)

**Caring for the unit:**

**Eating: **You don't have to worry about feeding the unit as_ he_ will be the one to feed _you_! All you have to do is give him a clean kitchen and plenty of ingredients (We never did say _where _he prefers eating his meals)

**Cleaning: **The unit is good at taking care of himself. He will keep everything in tip top condition, especially the kitchen. Though, the only thing that you can't avoid is the sweet smell of nicotine stinking up the place.

**Resting: **This unit will need at least eight to ten hours of sleep. He is programmed to wake up at the crack of dawn to prepare breakfast for you. He does not take naps, unless he is really tired.

**If your unit is attacked by viruses: **If your unit is attacked by viruses, like the other units he will suffer to something similar to a cold. He will try to not cause you too much trouble because he does not want to disturb his sweet angel so call us quickly at-1-800-Eiichiro Oda and we will send you the anti-virus software.

**His Relationship with the Other Units:**

**RORONOA ZORO: **This is the unit's official sworn rival. When these two are around, expect lots of boot-to-swords action and destruction. Lots and lots of distraction. These two cannot stand each others presence and you will learn many colorful swear words (There's even an eight syllable one. **Gasp**) All in all, do not be alarmed if you accidentally stumbled upon one of their many spar sessions in the middle of the night (or day) because you would probably suffer sudden amnesia the next day.

**ZEFF**: This unit is like your unit's father figure. Your unit learned all his fighting and cooking skills from this unit prior to sales. The SANJI unit will probably never admit it (stupid ego and pride) but he felt grateful and guilty when this unit saved him at the cost of his left leg. You shouldn't probably bad mouth this unit in front of him because who knows the terror of a devil cook could do to your very existence.

**THE STRAWHAT CREW SET: **This play set is like your unit's happy, dysfunctional family. He is thought of as the middle son in the family who likes chicks and soccer.

**FAQ's:**

**Q: **Instead of a SANJI unit, I received a very skinny and weak looking version of the unit. What's wrong?

**A: **Oh goodness gracious. We are extremely sorry because that is actually a starved version of the unit (Alright, fess up. Who was the moron who forgot to feed him, AGAIN!) Call us and we will be happy to make the exchange.

**Q: **Instead of a handsome blonde, I got a blonde that ACTUALLY looks like the drawn wanted poster. EEEK!

**A: **Uh…We are extremely sorry because you received a DUVAL unit before the SANJI unit unofficially operated on his face. Quickly call us and we will gladly make the exchange.

**Q: **My unit is actually sucking on lollipops instead of smoking! Why is that?

**A: **Huh? Why are you asking us that? It's obvious that he is changing his ways because of something that you probably said _or _did. (What is it? Can you please send us a message about that?)

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **My unit would not cook for me? Why? I'm starving!

**Answer: **Hmm…Either the unit is in Out of Character mode or he has been attacked by a virus. Just order take out or pizza. Problem solved.

**Problem: **My unit asked me to marry him!

**Answer: **What's the problem? We suggest you held the wedding at Baratie. The ZEFF unit can tease him there.

**Problem: **Um…Why is my unit flirting with guys?

**Answer: **If you are a yaoi fangirl, what's the problem? If not….look over there! STRAIGHT people doing STRAIGHT stuff!

**Problem: **Why are there so many okamas visiting me nowadays?

**Answer: **Haven't your unit told you about his 'other' self? Bad SANJI unit. Just tell your owner that you used to run around with them in an okama outfit when our manufacturers weren't looking.

That is your complete guide to SANJI unit. We hope that you will enjoy the unit and unlocked his fullest potential. Keep reading this guide so you will know what lines not to cross and which territories not to wander. We don't want people complaining about 'my neighbor next door turned cannibal' alright?

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**Well, how do you like it so far? I know that this is not my best chapter but I wanted to finish it before I'm banned from using my laptop until October. So, I will probably not update till then because of very important exams. Reviews and constructive criticism are most welcome. Please enjoy!**


	4. PORTGAS D ACE unit

**A/N: I know that it has been like half a year since I last updated but life has been a real pain this past few months, dealing with a very big loss and exams plus writer's block, I'd never thought to continue this story but then I had an idea for Ace, so I went with it. This was also rushed and un-betaed so if there are any mistakes, I apologize.**

**Warnings: There are many implications and mentions of shounen-ai. If you're not interested in these kind of things, click away now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. All of it belongs to Oda sensei.**

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**PORTGAS D. ACE Owner's Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You are now the proud and awesome owner of your very own PORTGAS D. ACE unit! This unit comes with an owner's guide and manual as you will need it to unlocked the absolute fullest potential of your **hot** (**_literally) _**unit.

**Technical Specifications:**

**Name: **Portgas D. Ace (he will also respond to 'Fire Fist Ace', 'Ace-chan', 'Ace-kun', 'Nii-chan' and 'Porty') Though that last one is not his preferred choice for a nickname due to a** certain** unit (glare at the not-so-innocent looking MARCO unit) Heck, for the fun of it, you can call him that 'Smoldering Hot Freckled Dude with the Awesome Hat'

**Age: **20 years old (A two year later version is still in discussion)

**Place of manufacture: **The BlueSea, East Blue division

**Height: **185 cm of mind ogling hotness

**Weight: **Unknown

**Length: **ASK. HIM. (We love the blush that accompany to this question afterwards and you will too)

**Personality: **Polite, MUCH more bearable than the LUFFY unit, Kind and Intelligent

**Specialty: **A devil's fruit user (Mera Mera no Mi) Freakishly strong

**Your PORTGAS D. ACE unit comes with the following accessories:**

An orange hat with two blue smileys, one frowning and one smiling, and a string of red beads sitting above the rim with two long orange side straps that hung the down sides of his hat and finishing with a large medallion of a bull's skull with orange tassels

A set of stickable freckles (to add that dash of childish on his hotness)

A set of stickable Whitebeard tattoos and an ASCE sticker (Do not, we repeat, **DO NOT** misplace these stickers or else you will find your best silverware or maybe your LCD TV mysteriously melted)

A wardrobe full of open front shirts, black boots, black knee length shorts with eyelet-studded orange belts and a blue pouch.

A dagger in green sheath, a Log Pose, a red and white striped bracelet and an orange elbow guard

A midnight black tuxedo with white cufflinks and a bowtie for those special events or dates

A modified water gun equipped with a laser pointer

A two piece bikini and a one piece evening gown (We are winking at you fangirls and maybe the occasional fanboy out there. One word; **Anne**)

A fireproof suit complete with a portable fire extinguisher

**How to Remove:**

Thanks to the MAKINO unit, this unit is very cooperative! All you have to do is shoot him with the water gun (use regular water only. Sea water is a big no-no) then let him realized where he is. Once that, he would probably present you with his dazzling, charming smile and kindly ask you for your assistance in removing his chains. After that, he will greet you before placing a warm, tender kiss on your hand. He will also catch you if you faint afterwards.

**Programming: **

Programming him is a breeze! All you have to do is to wait for one of his random narcoleptic episodes to happen (shouldn't take you too long. Seriously, we mean it) and program him when he is down for the count. You would be astonished with all the wonderful features that we have installed in him!

**Big Brother**

Believe it or not, this is your unit's default feature. Our manufacturers are baffled by his need to protect those who are younger than him. We swear that even though we never created it, he has a built in radar or simply speaking, Big-Brother-Senses that are instantly triggered when you are upset or scared. Just imagine this, say you are minding your own business after buying an ice cream cone and then just your luck, the neighborhood bully picked you as his next victim. Just as you started to feel scared, lo and behold your unit appears and beat the hell out of the bully. (You can literally see his flames of anger in the background) Then he would comfort you and buy you another cone, even if yours is still intact. Basically speaking, a cuddly, very flaming teddy bear.

**Boyfriend**

Really, need we say more? **Need we say more? **Of course your unit can be your handsome, hunky boyfriend! (We just don't want a mob attacking our main factory, since the 09' Fangirls Riot) His charming personality would be the envy of all girlfriends and he will _sizzle _the competition and other boyfriends with his looks alone. Plus, on cold, romantic evening walks, we suggest that you purposely forget to bring your jacket. Don't overact on shivering but you will get the desired effect when your unit wraps his tanned, warm arms around you… (Sighing dreamily)

**Bodyguard**

With his sharp dagger in green sheath and already inhuman strength, all stalkers, muggers and the occasional society reject should think twice about messing with you! Basically like your persistent, second shadow, your unit will follow wherever you go and protect you at all costs. If you feel like that someone is watching you when you (for example, when you're in the shower) but you feel all fuzzy and warm inside, don't worry because that is probably your unit looking out for you.

**Stove**

No, we are not kidding when we say that one of his features is indeed being a stove, a portable one at that. Just let him lie down on any flat surface and watch your sausages cook on his well toned abs. A tip, leave anything that can be used as a plate at home. Place your full, unwavering faith on us and you will not be disappointed. (We likey a little bit of kinky)

**Sleep Instructor**

Have problems falling asleep? Insomnia plaguing you every night? Then here's your solution! With his narcoleptic episodes plus his ability to sleep just about anywhere you can think of, he can teach you all his tricks and soon, you'll be sailing off towards the Land of Nod on the Thousand Sunny very soon!

**Personal Heater**

Again, we are not kidding when personal heater is one of his features. During those long, winter nights when you just feel cold and the blanket wasn't doing you any good, just snuggled up against your unit and let his warmth lull you to sleep. Another plus side is he could be your very own protection in snowball wars!

**Your PORTGAS D ACE unit comes with the following modes:**

Polite, run and dine, narcoleptic mode (default)

Overprotective brother mode (default)

Fist-of-Flames mode (semi locked)

Taste-My-Flames-From-Hell mode (locked)

Flames-Of-Passion mode (locked)

Take-Me-I'm-Yours mode (locked)

The Polite, run and dine, narcoleptic mode is indeed your unit's default mode. He is really polite, loves to run and dine (expect complaints from restaurant owners) with the MONKEY D LUFFY and SABO unit and can sleep pretty much when he's doing anything.

Overprotective brother mode is also considered to be the unit's default feature. He can't help it that he's trying to protect your virtue and innocence until he says you can lose them.

The Fist-of-Flames mode is only semi locked because we still want him to kick someone's ass even when he's not pissed off. Blame our need to see other people miserable.

Taste-My-Flames-From-Hell mode is only unlocked when you're in danger or someone is threatening the WHITEBEARD PIRATES CREW, SPADES PIRATES CREW set, MONKEY D LUFFY unit or anyone else special to the unit. The mode is well named, _very _well named. We learnt that the hard way.

The Flames-Of-Passion mode is unlocked when the MARCO, SMOKER or maybe MONKEY D LUFFY unit is in the opposite mode. Don't be alarmed when the temperature suddenly spikes in one of the empty bedrooms in your house that you could practically _feel _the heat and passion.

The Take-Me-I'm-Yours mode is unlocked when the MARCO, SMOKER, MONKEY D LUFFY and _maybe _the MAKINO unit is in the opposite mode. (Ignore the sounds coming from the bedroom. Ignore them now…)

**Caring for the unit:**

**Eating: **This unit is not a picky eater and will eat anything that you feed him. Unfortunately, this unit and the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit possessed the same trait-having near bottomless appetites.

**Cleaning: **This is unit is capable of taking care of himself but he does appreciate a sponge bath every once in a while. Don't be alarmed if something spontaneously combust, it's just your unit's way of telling you that he would like a sponge bath.

**Resting: **Huh, that shouldn't even need to be explained. Your unit can sleep anywhere between eight hours a day to twenty, depending on how often and severe his narcoleptic episodes affect him. (No, he is not faulty _or _dead when that happens)

**If your unit is attacked by viruses: **If your unit is attacked by viruses, what the hell are you waiting for? CALL. US. NOW. AT 1800-EIICHIRO ODA and we will immediately send you the anti-virus system. Don't panic, this is why we provide you with the fire proof suit and fire extinguisher. Try to keep your unit's raging fever down until help arrives.

**His Relationship with the Other Units:**

**MONKEY D. LUFFY: **This is the unit's younger brother. It is highly, _highly _advisable not to harm or provoke this unit because then you will have a rampaging, fire demon on your hands. These units were very close when in production, often breaking into our office and raid our well stocked mini fridge. They also liked to play pranks; hiding our coffee beans was a favorite pastime of theirs (those little spawns knew that we need coffee to function) If it wasn't for the MAKINO unit, this unit might ultimately end up like the MONKEY D. LUFFY unit.

**CURLY DADAN: **This unit became LUFFY and your unit's foster mother when they were still in production. Who did you think scolded and punish those units when they did the things mentioned before?

**MAKINO: **It was thanks to this unit that the ACE unit learned how to be "polite" and much more tolerable than the LUFFY unit. (We worship the ground that she walks on, really)

**WHITEBEARD PIRATES CREW: **This is this unit's crew that he would gladly protect with his life. He has created many bonds with the other units and he considers the WHITEBEARD unit as a type of a father figure.

**FAQ's:**

**Q: **Instead of getting a polite unit (he was still good looking), I got one that was cold and rude towards me! He crushed my fantasy dreams!

**A: **We are truly sorry. That was probably one of the units that might have skipped the MAKINO's unit teaching on being "polite". Send us back the unit and we will replace it immediately.

**Q: **Um…why is the temperature in my spare bedroom where my unit is kept spiking every few minutes.

**A: **We are terribly sorry but that is something for you to find out and for us to kick back and enjoy the show.

**Q: **Wah! My unit's all unresponsive and still and bloody and staining the carpet and-HELP!

**A: **We deeply apologize for our mistake because that is probably a unit that had a not so friendly encounter with the AKAINU unit at the Marinford section of our factory (Alright, who were the morons who left the door open **_again _**so I can THROTTLE them) Send us back the unit and we will happily exchange it with a complementary MONKEY. D LUFFY unit as an apology.

**Troubleshooting:**

**Problem: **How do I control the flame when I use the stove feature?

**Answer: **Ask him to control it or twist his…um….(Send us a message about that)

**Problem: **What am I supposed to do if he accidentally burns my furniture?

**Answer: **We don't want to sound rude but why did we provide the fire proof suit and fire extinguisher again? And if that fails, 9-1-1 is created for a reason you know.

**Problem: **My unit placed hickeys on me that tingled and burn. It left glaring marks!

**Answer: **First of all, congratulations on taking that one step further and second, he ate the Mera Mera no Mi fruit. What did you _expect _would happen?

That is your complete guide for the PORTGAS D. ACE unit. We would like to thank you for purchasing this unit and we hope that this guide will help keep your unit satisfied. Just remember, if your unit adds the percentage of yearly house fires, don't blame or sue us because you bought the unit! We'll pray that you'd survive until the next time you do business with us.

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**I'm not really satisfied with it but this is the best that I can do for now. Maybe I'll pick another character and try to create a guide for it in the next few months. An update will probably take a very long time so please bear with me. Thank you for reading this chapter. Reviews and criticism is highly appreciated. **


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